I’m about to tell you a huge secret. I’m part of a book club, but I haven’t read the books in months (Don’t tell my friends, please!). That’s because instead of fiction, I’d rather read non-fiction, and my favorite non-fiction genre of late is parenting books. When I find a book that resonates with me, I fold down pages, copy down passages, and reread it again and again. And that’s just what I did with The Self-Driven Child, by Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson.
For me, this book was everything a controlling, overly anxious parent like me needed to hear. Allow me to explain.
Stixrud and Johnson maintain that in order to build motivation in your child, you need to give them more autonomy in their own life.
Stixrud and Johnson are proponents of what Diane Baumrind first coined in the 1960s called an authoritative style of parenting. “Authoritative parents don’t give their children free rein. They enforce limits, and say when they don’t feel right about something, but they are not controlling. ” These parents let their kids make decisions often, because in their words:
“Kids need to practice making their own decisions before they can do so legally. Telling our children how to make good decisions (or telling them how to do things for themselves) isn’t enough. It’s not enough to show them either. They need to actually do it. They need practice. They need to experience the natural consequences of their choices, ranging from being uncomfortably cold when they decided not to wear a coat, to getting a bad grade on a test because they decided not to study.”
In other words, a sense of control in their daily lives gives kids the tools they need to weather more difficult decisions down the road, instead of paralyzing them with fear or avoiding the decision altogether. Decision-making is a muscle that needs to be exercised or it will atrophy. That means letting your kid decide on their ensemble each morning, or letting them (gulp) drop piano lessons if they so desire.
A few years ago, my 6-year old daughter couldn’t make up her mind how to spend her allotted $5 at the school book fair. And as she stood there, unable to decide between her top two favorite books, the thought crossed my mind: She gets it from me.
But just because I am a poor decision-maker doesn’t mean she has to be.
Further, Stixrud and Johnson explain, the role of the parent is not to be a domineering captain, telling your children every which way to steer the ship, but rather to be a loving consultant, one who cares deeply about the child but lets them make the ultimate decision. It’s kind of freeing when you think about it. Your children’s problems are not your problems, even though they may keep you up at night. You need to practice empathy with them, but not get emotional about it when you do.
This concept resonated with me as I often let myself get upset when my kids are hurt or angry. It’s hard not to let my emotions get the best of me in those times. What’s helped me in the past is remembering the advice of Dr. Becky Bailey, author of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline – before you can discipline your children (which as she defines means to teach them, not punish them), you must first discipline yourself. In other words, no one can make you angry, or as Dr. Bailey puts it, “Own your own upset.” This rang true once again in The Self-Driven Child, as Stixrud and Johnson so eloquently put it:
“Part of making home a safe base is remembering that it’s your child’s life, not yours, and that his problems are his problems, not yours. It’s easier to adopt this philosophy when we’re calm, and it’s easier to be calm when we adopt this philosophy.” Easier said than done in many circumstances, but the payoff is great. “When we’re calm, we can let kids experience discomfort and learn to mange it themselves. We can allow children to experience their own painful feelings without rushing in to take responsibility for resolving them. When we’re calm, we don’t give our kids excessive power to take us up and down with them.”
Another interesting topic Stixrud and Johnson discuss is the role of stress in children’s lives. Chronic stress, from family troubles, friendship dynamics, academic issues, all of this compromises their ability to attend to their work of growing as a human being. Therefore, it is so important that your home is a safe haven for your kids, a buoy in choppy waters, a place that allows them to rest and recharge before going back out into the world. That can only happen in a home where children feel loved unconditionally, whether or not they made a bad decision.
As a homeschooling mom, I put a lot of pressure on myself to find what the kids are good at, and foster their growth in that area as much as possible, because after all, that’s one of the benefits of homeschooling! While it’s important to recognize their strengths, it’s also important to know that homeschooling is a journey, and it’s ok for kids to explore their interests without pressure from their parents to be the best at that thing. It’s also ok for them to not explore anything at all right now. Sometimes it’s ok just to be.
So what’s the best way to get your kids to do their homework? You have to remember, it’s not your homework.
As Stixrud and Johnson suggest telling your kids, ““I have confidence in your ability to make informed decisions about your own life and to learn from your mistakes.”
Not only will they become better decision makers, they’ll become better human beings. And that’s, after all, what it’s all about.