I was walking with a friend this weekend and she was telling me about how she is reading a book about different personality types. When your kids’ personality is so vastly different from your own, it’s hard to understand where they’re coming from. For her, it’s been eye-opening to see exactly why her kids do the things they do, especially when they are so diametrically opposed to what she expects in a given situation.
I told her something I read once that really resonated with me and helps me in the throes of parenting on the hard days. When you realize it’s not about you, you’re able to let go much easier.
With my kids, I often take their attacks personally. When my 10-year old proclaims that I’m the meanest mother, I sometimes lash out right back at her because I feel hurt. When I take the time to stop and think and realize that her reaction is more about her than me, I am able to connect to her in the moment and see more clearly what she needs from me. I’m not saying it always works, but when it does – it’s magic.
When my 7-year old is having a tantrum that I think only a 3-year old should have, I often feel my own emotions boiling over. Maybe it’s because her feeling out of control makes me feel out of control. Maybe I’m just frustrated or tired or hungry. Whatever it is, I react better when I realize her distress is her distress, not mine. I can better empathize in the moment when I don’t feel stressed myself. It’s always easier said than done (and easier with some kids than others), but when I take a moment to remember that, things get better from there. (Spoiler alert: This can work for spouses too!)
Dr. Ross Greene, renowned child psychologist and author of many books, including The Explosive Child, explains it succinctly: The long term answer to a kid not caring about your concerns is to care more about his.
That’s it. Simply put, and yet so unbelievably powerful.
If we are going to build empathy in our kids, we have to be empathetic to them.
If we our going to build kindness in our kids, we have to be kind to them.
Stop overanalyzing how they hurt you and try to get to the root of the issue that’s bothering them. This means being curious, really stopping and trying to understand things from their perspective, without taking it personally.
Your kids are not miniature versions of you. Each child is their own unique individual with their own unique cares and concerns. And when I recognize that, and stop trying to get them to see things from my perspective and start seeing things from theirs, everything becomes a whole lot easier.
As I write this post, I realize that I’m doing so more to remind myself of what works rather than preach to anyone else…but if this helps you too — know that we are all in this blessed mess together. 🙂