I turned 43 a couple months ago, and it’s been a rough transition. As I inch closer to the age my mother was when she died, not a day goes by when I don’t think about her. What would she have done, if anything, if she had known that fateful day would be her last?
This morning, as I drank my coffee, I reflected on my life. What do I want to do this year? To accomplish? So much of my day is spent checking things off my to-do list – prepare for this class, make that doctor’s appointment, buy someone new shoes, make dinner, shop for food, do a load of laundry….there’s always a load of laundry, isn’t there?
Then there’s taking care of myself – getting enough sleep, exercise, eating right. At 25, I could subsist on coffee and granola bars. 43? Not so much.
I also I think about what our purpose here is. I know these days with my children at home are numbered. They are growing up faster than I could have ever imagined. I walk into my kids’ rooms at night and wonder at the mess of limbs tangled in their sheets. When did they get so big? Why is time moving so fast?
When they were little, it moved so unbelievably slowly – nothing makes time crawl like doing the same puzzle over and over again with your toddler. I couldn’t wait for the morning to pass. Now I’d give anything just to slow it down.
When I catch myself remembering this, I drink them up. Fill my lungs with their smell, my ears with their sounds, look at them in the eyes, stare at them until my eyes burn. I still don’t do it often enough.
Even though he made it 10 years ago, I just discovered Ricky Gervais’ show Derek since it’s been on Netflix. Recommended to me by a friend after having watched his show After/Life and loving it, it’s the story of a quirky character named Derek who works at an old age home. Though Gervais never says outright that Derek himself is autistic, he gives the impression that he marches to the beat of his own drummer, with little fashion sense, a bad haircut, shuffling about the nursing home. Each episode is more heartwarming than the one before it, with the pearls of sage advice and wisdom cloaked in the simplicity of Derek’s musings about the world around him. I could write a blog post about each and every episode, for sure. But for now, I wanted to focus on one exchange that I found particularly meaningful.
In the second episode of the second season, Derek is having a conversation with a grandson of one of the residents, who says loudly that he has “a big job at one of the finest banks in London” as he looks around, hoping to impress someone. Everyone at the home continues about their business, highlighting that any material wealth or success doesn’t matter here in the nursing home. Inside these walls, money means nothing.
Derek continues to question him about why people want to make money? To get richer, the grandson responds. But why, Derek questions? To retire early, the grandson replies. But why? To do what you want.
I’m already doing what I want, Derek responds. Spending time with these people.
And I look back at 42 and forward at 43, I see that I’m already doing what I want. Spending time with the people I love. I just have to stop and look around and appreciate it once in awhile. In between the items on my to-list, stop and look – really, look, at my children, at my husband, at myself and where I’m at right now.
Life is about learning, and growing.
This year, I’m going to live more, love more, laugh more.
Because, at the end of the day, that’s all we have.