In a recent discussion with a few friends, the topic of saying no came up. A lot of pop psychology today discusses the benefit of filling your cup before filling other people’s – making sure to take care of yourself first so that you can take care of other people.
I once read somewhere that the idea of saying no to other people is actually saying yes to yourself.
But what I find difficult sometimes is knowing when to say no. Because I am by nature a people-pleaser, I sometimes feel like my gauge and my sensor is off knowing when things are too much for me. I don’t always realize it. And I often commit my family to doing something because “it’s the right thing to do” and only once I see the look on their faces did I realize they weren’t as gung ho about the idea as I was.
But then – where do you draw the line? Between teaching our kids the value of helping others and taking care of yourself? It would be nice if every time someone asked me to do something, a little green light would pop up over their head if it was the right thing to do or a flashing red light if it’s going to drain me.
But I often don’t know in advance.
To get better at knowing the difference, I have to practice. I have to make decisions, sit with it, and then process it after. How did that make me feel? Small decisions like whether or not to stop and get coffee on my way to the doctor’s appt, or whether or not to publish this post.
Making decisions is my achilles heel. I often joke that my autobiography is going to be entitled, “Paralyzed by Indecision.”
But as my brother pointed out wisely, not making a decision is a decision.
And then throw in the mix that I’m an overthinker and you have a virtual Molotov cocktail of anxiety. Did I offend them when I turned them down? Will they think I’m a callous person? Will they hate me?
I heard recently on a podcast by Dr. John Delony something that I think I knew to be true, but didn’t fully acknowledge. Thoughts can lie. Sometimes, thoughts help point us in the right direction and sometimes they’re just dragging us down the wrong path. I don’t always know the difference, but I’m working on it.
Hey, practice makes progress, right?