Lest you all think it’s daisies and roses over here with my last post about appreciating our time at home….it bears clarifying:
It’s ok to not be ok.
Just this week, I’ve eaten chocolate in the pantry where my kids can’t see…three times.
I’ve online shopped just a little too much.
I’ve used the TV as a babysitter because when it’s on, everyone is quiet and I can hear myself think. Too often.
I’ve yelled at my kids. I’ve done a lot of that. More than I care to admit, in fact.
I’ve taken a walk around my neighborhood while wiping tears away, hoping that no one sees.
It’s ok to not be ok.
I sometimes feel guilty that I’m feeling so bad, knowing that there are others that have it much worse. But when I stop myself, and just let myself sit with the feelings instead of trying to bury them, it feels so much more cathartic. Once I let myself feel miserable – and vent to my sister or a close friend – I feel better. As my yoga teacher tells us when we’re holding a particularly hard pose, all feelings are transient. Good ones and bad ones. Breathe through it and let it pass.
It’s ok to not be ok.
Yes, it’s good to appreciate the little things and the time we have at home together. But it’s also ok to lock yourself in the bathroom and scroll through your phone instead. Or just close your eyes for a few minutes. This is not normal. This is not something we have a plan for, or know what’s coming.
What is hardest for me (today, that is. I’m sure tomorrow it will be something else.) is the uncertainty of it all. By nature, I’m a planner. I like to know what’s happening today, next week, next month, seven months from now. The fact that all of this is one big question mark is feeding my anxiety tremendously and causing me to have some pretty huge meltdowns over some pretty small stuff. And that’s ok. I forgive myself, pick myself back up off the bathroom floor, and give myself another chance. Because we have no other choice right now.
If any of this rings true for you, know that you are not alone. We may have good days where we look like we have our stuff together, but we have bad days too. We all have bad days.
I often think of Finding Dory in these moments, and the advice her parents give her when she gets flustered: Just keep swimming. And if you can’t swim, then tread water. Because eventually, the waters will calm and we can resume our forward motion, stronger and grittier than before. The world will keep turning and the sun will keep setting each day, but it will rise tomorrow, and that in itself, is a reason to smile.
Remember: It’s ok to not be ok.