As a parent, I often struggle. Heck, I feel like that’s the understatement of the year. At the end of the day though, it usually boils down to one overarching question:
Am I doing this right?
I doubt myself hundreds of times a day, whether it be in the way that I deal with a meltdown, a sibling fight, or when my nerves are frayed and I’m trying to help my daughter find her notebook she’s lost for the third time. Sigh. It’s a daily struggle.
There are certain moments in my life though, that drive home what is most important. And it is those moments that I try to keep first and foremost when I’m having a rough time keeping it together. Here’s one that I experienced recently, and I hope it helps you too:
This past December, I won tickets to the Broadway show Dear Evan Hansen in an online lottery. I was thrilled! I’ve heard the countless rave reviews of the show, and was beyond excited to attend, not just to see the musical, but to finally immerse myself in live theater again.
The show was everything I had hoped it would be – the acting, the music – it was all incredible. The subject of the play – mental illness in teens – is an incredibly raw and important one. The dialogue between the actors is hilarious and heartfelt. It’s an awesome show, and I highly recommend you see it if you have the chance.
But one scene in the second act cut to my core more than any other. At the very end of the show, there is a heart-wrenching interaction between Evan and his mother. She admits she couldn’t be there for him as much as she wanted to over his life. As a single mom, she was always busy trying to make ends meet.
Evan responds by saying that he has always felt like he was never enough for her, that he always felt like he needed to pretend to be perfect for her to love him.
Evan: “If you knew what I am….just….how broken I am….”
In a broken voice, she responds emphatically, “Evan. I already know you, and I love you.”
At that moment, with tears streaming down my face, I got it. The secret sauce of parenting was staring right at me. To know my kids. And to love them. That’s it.
My kids don’t need the perfect mom – a perfectly curated birthday party or a family trip to Disney or for me to be cool, calm, and collected all the time. Sometimes I wonder – do they think my love is conditional on how well they do in school? Or the effort they put in at basketball or being good? Do they think I am going to love them more if they clean up their room or take care of their younger sibling?
From a kid’s perspective — to know that your parents see you – all of you – and love you unconditionally – that is everything.
The message is summed up perfectly by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in their book, The Power of Showing Up. What does that mean exactly? “It means being there for your kids. It means being physically present, as well as providing a quality of presence. Provide it when you’re meeting their needs; when you’re expressing your love to them; when you’re disciplining them; when you’re laughing together; even when you’re arguing with them.”
They need to be able to cling to us, no matter if their feelings are ugly or messy, so that they can go back out into the world into the storms of life, confident and brave that their buoy of support is there, knowing that their parents will always love them, no matter what.
That means making a conscious effort to know them as they are, not how I hope that they turn out or expect them to be. And it doesn’t mean letting go of my expectations either. But it is making sure they know that if they don’t meet my expectations, my buoy of love and support won’t disappear underneath the surface of the water. It will remain steadfast. My love will be constant.
At the end of the day, all my kids need is my love. “Be the buoy,” I tell myself on a constant basis now – be the buoy.
I know you, my precious children, and I love you.