I love listening to podcasts. The problem is that, as a homeschool mom, I am NEVER ALONE. And as much as I’d love to have AirPods in my ears while I’m cooking dinner, working, or homeschooling – it’s kinda rude to the 4 humans around me all day. It’s fine though – I’m more attune lately that these days won’t last forever. My oldest is going to high school next year and I’m relishing every moment I still have him at home.
So I’m left to listen to podcasts during my morning walk. Since I don’t have much time to listen, I’m picky about what I listen to. Sometimes I’m in the mood for Ira Glass’ poignant storytelling in This American Life, sometimes I’m in the mood for a wry look at human psychology with Angela Duckworth and Stephen Dubner in No Stupid Questions.
Lately, I’ve been listening to 18Forty, a Jewish podcast hosted by David Bashevkin. I find myself totally engrossed in his open and engaging interviews – he seems to always ask the questions that are on my mind, even if they’re hard, but he does so with respect and sensitivity. I recently listened to his episode on intermarriage, in which he interviewed three different people whose stories ended up quite differently.
His first guest explained how even though he almost married a non-Jewish girl, he eventually broke things off with her. After some time, he finally married a Jewish girl, and they are consciously raising their kids Jewish. Everything he does religiously is a conscious decision he called “opting-in.” He said something rather poignant – that a child’s decision to marry out of the faith really starts much earlier – it has so much to do with how their parents raise them, and what their association was with religion and spirituality (which sometimes can be two different things) was at an early age.
Once your kids are of marriageable age – it’s too late to influence their decision.
The true influence happens while your kids are growing up at home.
It helped me realize how so much of what shapes our children doesn’t come from direct advice we give them – it’s the overall feeling we give them. I see so many Orthodox parents who send their kids to Jewish day schools in hopes they choose to be religious too. So many of us leave religion up to the school, when so much of it happens at home. As an Orthodox mom who homeschools, it’s up to me to give them their religious experiences. As I often tell other parents embarking on their homeschooling journey – the best Jewish education is simply living Jewishly. Setting the Shabbos table. Singing Shabbos Zemirot (songs) together. Counting the Omer as a family each night. Cleaning the house for Pesach together in a fun and playful way. Going to shul together.
It’s the modeling without preaching that has the most impact. But it’s not just about keeping the mitzvot – it’s enjoying them. Opting-in is a conscious decision. It’s not just about keeping Shabbos, it’s about living and loving Shabbos. Not waiting for it to end, but relishing each moment, spending special time with my kids so they want to do the same with their kids.
I think about this as I’m often frazzled on Friday afternoon, and I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve had more than one (ok, maybe more than five) blowups at my kids Friday afternoon trying to get everything done. If I’m opting in, it means not treating Shabbos like a burden I have to prepare for, but something I’m looking forward to. Maybe that means buying dessert instead of making it. Or being intentional about not rushing into Shabbos yelling about leaving the right lights or getting their laundry folded. It’d be nice, but to be honest, if my mom was constantly yelling at me – I probably wouldn’t have a positive association with Fridays either.
So I’m consciously opting-in. I’ll let you know how it turns out in about 10-15 years.